The Pictorial Key to
the Tarot of the King
of Cups in Tatters
By James W. Revak
MINOR ARCANA CUPS
King. A throned man is threatened by rising water. You will soon have plumbing problems in your house. Occasionally this card may imply worse disasters: floods, tidal waves, shipwrecks, and the like. Initiates know that the captain of the Lusitania pulled the King of Cups for his daily one-card spread on the same day that the supreme commander of the German U-boats pulled the Six of Clubs for his. The rest is history. If ill-dignified: The ghost of the King of Cups in Tatters knows that you are using this corrected deck. Youre in deep doo-doo now. Only kidding! A brief prayer addressed to Us, the Divine Fifi, will ensure your safety.
Queen. You have poor taste with regard to selecting accent pieces for home decorating. Try getting your next one from a real store rather than a garage sale, the Home Shopping Network, or QVC. Especially for our female readers: You enjoy contacting your Inner Queen of Cups. Like her, you are compassionate, intuitive, sensitive and express your feelings well. We honor you for the extraordinary woman you are. Especially for our male readers: You wouldnt be caught dead contacting your Inner Queen of Cups. Unlike her, you are mean-spirited, coldly logical, insensitive, and profoundly uncomfortable during the extremely rare moments you do express your feelings. Face it, you are pathetic!
Knight. Your friends say that you are romantic, sensitive, and kind like this Knight. If ill-dignified: Your friends really think that you are a worthless wimp.
Page. A fish in cup is worth two in the sea, says this smartly attired, cute-as-a-button Page. You cant tell me he hasnt gone to a gay bar or two in his life. But I digress. This card implies that it is time for you to go fishing. If ill-dignified: Mercury levels are dangerously high in all nearby waters; consider using your Tarot deck for a relaxing game of Go Fish with a child instead. However, be respectful of the cards; do light a candle and burn a little incense to create sacred space just prior to the game.
Ten. You will be happily married for many years to the spouse of your dreams. If ill-dignified: You will have two children who will expect you to put them through college. If extremely ill-dignified: You will have two children whom you will put through college, but who will barely eke out a living reading cards.
Nine. Call Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers before its too late! If you are struggling with a weight problem meditate on The Devil now; hes mean, ugly and fat. Do you want to look like him the rest of your life? And tape his picture to your refrigerator door. On the other hand, if you are fat and proud, what the heck, adopt the magic(k)al motto of Soror (or should We say Mater?) Cass Elliot: Eat what thou wilt.
Eight. You will soon journey into the Valley of the Shadow of Death and, contrary to expectations, you will find no Shepherd. Instead, you should have stayed put and enjoyed the contents of the cups which you have foolishly left behind. You never learn.
Seven. This is your brain on drugs last Saturday night. If ill-dignified: This is your brain before you took the drugs. In which case, We feel sorry for you.
Six. You have a green thumb; open a florist shop. If ill-dignified: Your Inner Child has found a new playmate to replace you. Now, who will you blame for all of your problems?
Five. Daughter/Son of Earth, cry not over spilt milk. Know that when you spill three cups, our loving Father/Mother will send you two milkshakes. The Universe is abundant. Of course, Waite would have preferred malted milkshakesbut thems the breaks.
Four. Have you considered Prozac? If ill-dignified: Have you considered Prozac and cocaine or similar stimulant? Adepts dont call this card the Lord of Blended Drugs for nothing.
Three. You will soon attend a raucous, decadent, boozy party and go home with the guy or gal of your choice. On the other hand, some commentators have written that this card indicates a time to gracefully celebrate the successful conclusion of a worthwhile project. It is impossible to harmonize these views. If you are unsure which way to go, flip a coin, or, like Crowley, flip several coins and consult the I Ching. Some Tarotist! He spent more time flipping coins than pulling cards. Of course, if We had felt compelled to use the Thoth deck whenever We wanted to read cards, We would have done the same thing.
Two. The caduceus of Hermes, god of trickery and subterfuge, hovers menacingly over a couple. Not purely a card of love or lovers! If you are about to get married: Consider a pre-nuptial agreement. Better safe than sorry. If your marriage is on the rocks and your spouse is a loony tune: Consider hiring a food and wine taster. Better safe than sorry.
Ace. If you are a Christian: Behold, the Holy Spirit descends to renew the power of the Grail. If you are a Neopagan: Behold, you will soon purchase a bird bath wherein doves, pigeons and other birds sacred to the Great Goddess will cavort. If you dont believe in anything: Behold, you will soon dine on squab and wash it down with a good Chardonay.
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Copyright © 2000 James W. Revak. All rights reserved. Version 1.0 (4/12/00).