The Pictorial Key to
the Tarot of the King
of Cups in Tatters
By James W. Revak
MINOR ARCANA CLUBS
(Vulgarly and Incorrectly Denominated Wands)
King. If you live in a warm climate: Lizards and salamanders will soon infest your home. If you live in a cold climate: Mice and roaches will soon infest your home. If you live in New York or similar megalopolis, you dont need the Tarot to tell you the latter.
Queen. Uh-oh, a black cat will soon cross your path. To ward off bad luck, obtain a sunflower and offer it up to the Great Goddess with heartfelt prayer.
Knight. This errant Knight gallops past the Pyramid of the Divine Fifi-Ho-Tep-Trismegista. You have an intense desire to visit Egypt, where you lived a previous life as Cleopatra and/or Ramses. (How come no one ever reports to Us that they were a lowly Egyptian slave in a previous life?).
Page. A young man contemplates a tall phallus. If you are under eighteen years old: Adolescent angst will soon strike you. If you are over eighteen years old: You know that this is pseudo-Freudian BS, which you should ignore.
Ten. This card depicts a man who feels burdened with the onerous task of selling balloons. The image reveals that the balloons do not exist. Instead, you see only clubs which symbolize their imaginary strings. If this man only looked up, smiled, and affirmed, These balloons are nonexistent. I am one with the Spirit of the Universe. I choose to be happy now, his burden would lift. In practical Tarot work, this allegory reminds you that commentators are often full of insipid New Age BS, which you should ignore.
Nine. You will soon attempt to read Waites The Pictorial Key to the Tarot; you will soon get a migraine. If ill-dignified: You will soon attempt to read Waites The Holy Kabbalah; you will soon plunge into suicidal depression.
Eight. You will travel by air in the near future. So will terrorists. Be certain to pay attention to the airline attendant when he/she tells you how to turn your seat into a flotation device. If reversed: Your flight will be delayed, your flight will be canceled, you will re-consider flying, you will travel by boat, you will travel by ground, you will refuse to travel by air because your Shadow Personality (or Inner Child) fears flying, you will tell your Shadow Personality (or Inner Child) to screw off and overcome your fear of flying, or you will grow wings and fly the friendly skies during a cheap, pseudo-shamanic, drug-induced trance. In practical Tarot work, these reversed meanings remind you that nobody has a clue with regard to reading reversed cards. So why are you reading this?
Seven. Like the mean-spirited, narrow-minded occultist you are, you will soon mount a vicious magic(k)al attack on a fellow Tarotist because he/she disagrees with you concerning the meaning of the magic(k)al formula which appears on this card. Shame on you! If ill-dignified: You will soon be the subject of such a vicious attack and your local occult bookstore will inform you that special ordering Dion Fortunes Psychic Self-Defense will take three to four weeks.
Six. This card indicates glory, successful issue, and, most of all, victory following effective address. Also, you will soon win at one of the following games: Scrabble, Monopoly, strip poker, Goetic evocation, or, perhaps most appropriately, betting at the horse track. Celebrate! But know, Daughter/Son of Earth, sic transit gloria mundi. If ill-dignified: Try a dog track.
Five. Dont be fooled. Contrary to what many wimps say concerning sports and competition, this card teaches you a vital truth: it is not how you play the game; it is whether you win or loose. Ask any of the many Olympic and professional athletes, who regularly use steroids and other performance enhancers.
Four. You will soon attend a traditional Jewish wedding. If it were a circumcision you would have probably drawn the Ace of Swords. If ill-dignified: The groom will cut his foot on the glass. If, by chance it is a circumcision, the rabbi will slip. Ouch!
Three. A man surveys a sea. You deeply desire to take a cruise on the Mediterranean, but your Inner Teacher deeply desires to take a cruise on the Collective Unconscious. You and your Inner Teacher should discuss both possibilities and find a win-win resolution to this conflict.
Two. According to Waite, this card depicts the sadness of Alexander amidst the grandeur of this worlds wealth. You should be so lucky. Youll barely have enough cash to pay your rent this month.
Ace. Treasure found, fecundity, elevation, growth, expansion, joy, great glory, explosive felicity, priapic ecstasy and all else which is implied by the image of this card. In other words, if you are a man: You will soon have a good time of your own making. If you are a woman: You suffer from penis envy.
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Copyright © 2000 James W. Revak. All rights reserved. Version 1.0 (4/9/00).