MAJOR ARCANA
PART ONE
The Fool.
Warning: You’re dressed to the nines with nowhere
to go but down. This card clearly shows that you’re
still an unregenerate, dumb-as-an-ox fool—flashy clothing
notwithstanding. Contrary to what Waite and his Golden
Dawn cohort say in their ignorance, this Key does not
correspond to zero, but does correspond to Nothing. (Big
difference; think about it.) For our lady readers: On
a lower level this card implies that a Mary Kay or Avon representative
will visit you soon. For our male readers (at least
some of you and you know who you are): Ditto. By
the way, don’t you think Waite’s wastrel should have
a seeing-eye dog rather than the silly little terrier?
The Bearer of the Baton (Bateleur)
(vulgarly and
incorrectly denominated the Magician). Divine Hermes tells
us: “Truly it is said that which goes up must come down,
and that which comes down must go back up.” Daughter/Son
of Earth, contemplate this truth, as enshrined in this Arcanum,
with one-pointedness-of-mind. Use your spiritual antennae
to tune to the Cosmic Mind. Plug into the Power and Voltage
of Universal Spirit.
The Papess (vulgarly and incorrectly denominated
The High Priestess). Waite writes that “her truest
and highest name in symbolism is Shekinah—the co-habiting
glory.” Translated from the Waitean dialect of Cabala-speak,
this means: The Papess shacks up with God. Sex is sacred.
Sex is good. Be happy. Now, isn’t that much
easier to understand? And, no, despite what your Inner
Teacher tells you, Shekinah does not reference the renowned
rap artist Queen Shekinah. Finally, contrary to
some previous ignorant commentators, this Key does not
imply the the first leg of the tired cliché called the
“Fool’s Journey”, wherein the Fool has a sex-change
operation and becomes The Papess.
The Empress. Daughter/Son of Earth,
know that She is Regina Coeli, Sanctus Sanctorum,
Mater Factotum, Yoni Yonorum, and Virgo Lesborum.
This card, in the Highest Mysteries of Hrusappho, intimates even
more profound verities, but I have no intention of communicating
them to someone as spiritually undeveloped as you. On the
other hand, if you want to join my top-secret magic(k)al fraternity,
The Order of the Gold and Rosy Bone of the Divine Fifi, for a
modest fee. . . . But I digress.
Back to fortune-telling. If you are a woman under forty:
You are pregnant. If you are a woman over forty:
You are not pregnant. If you are a man: You
suffer from womb envy.
The Emperor. Some commentators say that he
is Philosophic Sulfur, burning hot and bright. Some say
he is Jupiter, King of the Gods. Some say he is the Sun
King (no, not Louis XIV) who dies yearly. Some say
he is Neoplatonic Nous. Some say he is the Mighty
Force of Priapic Fecundity yet remains virgo intacta (which
is admittedly a tough act to pull off). Some say he is
tyrannical, oppressive, and restrictive Patriarchy (boo! hiss!).
Some say he is a self-portrait of the inventor of Tarot.
Some say he is the Mighty Son of Morning, Afternoon, and Evening.
In practical Tarot work, such “interpretations” prove
that anyone can say anything they want about a card.
Everyone is both right and wrong. Unfortunately,
The Emperor is erroneously represented in Waite’s deck as
a grouchy, grim, gray-haired, old coot, which only confuses the
matter further. Naturally, We have corrected this error.
By the way, he’s also the Holy Roman Emperor (duh!).
The Pope (vulgarly
and incorrectly denominated The Hierophant). He
is the archetype of Exoteric and Institutionalized Religion.
He is the archetype of Esotericism and Occultism. He is
the archetype of the Universal Toll Bridge Between God and Humankind.
He is the archetype of the compassionate and wise Teacher of
Tarot. Truly, he is four archetypes in one. In practical
Tarot work, such “insights” remind you that commentators,
are often full of pseudo-Jungian BS, which you should ignore.
However, initiates of the Philosophus Grandississimus 99=1
Degree of the Order of the Gold and Rosy Bone of the Divine Fifi
know that this Key unlocks the mysterium hidden in the ancient
formula R:.L:.E:.C:.F:.E:. (Roma Locuta Est Causa Finita Est).
I am not at liberty to say more.
The Lovers. Waite writes that “the
figures suggest youth, virginity, innocence and love before it
is contaminated by gross material.” None of this applies
to you. If ill-dignified: You are an innocent virgin,
who has never been contaminated by gross material. And
that’s a damned shame!
The Chariot. This card indicates felicity,
success, and victorious issue with regard to wars, conflicts,
contests, and horse races. It also intimates that Urim
and Thummim will run one-two in the eighth at Santa Anita Saturday;
bet accordingly. Further, know, Daughter/Son of Earth,
that although the Charioteer might approach The Papess he cannot
read the scroll which she holds, unless, of course, it is The
Daily Racing Form. Finally, if you are an egghead:
Read Plato’s Phaedrus for the real dope on this
profound Arcanum.
Justice. You will soon meet a sensitive, compassionate,
and loving lawyer. If ill-dignified: You will soon
meet a real lawyer. Interestingly, Justice was the
soul card of Earl Warren and Judge Crater. Isn’t it
uncanny how Tarot works? Finally, despite the ravings of
Waite and his Golden Dawn cohort, the correct number of this
Key was, is, and always will be eight.
The Hermit. Get a good night’s sleep—not
to mention a life! This card implies isolation and an actual
hermit. In fact, it was the soul card of Howard Hughes.
It is understood quite incorrectly when it is intimately connected
with the idea of the Ancient of Days, the Light of the World,
and similar claptrap. However, The Hermit may also symbolize
a priest, minister, rabbi, or other upstanding member of your
community. If ill-dignified: He symbolizes a flasher.
The Wheel of Fortune. A trip to your stockbroker
or Vegas is indicated. In either case, bet with your head
not over it. On a higher level, some say that this Arcanum
expresses the general notion which denies chance, fatality, and
all which is implied therein. The fatuous ravings of telephone
“psychics” are better than this on their own tawdry
plane. Instead, this card truly intimates fortuitous greatness
of soul and all which pertains to it, especially with regard
to one of the least understood explicators of Tarot. Examined
counterclockwise with spiritual eyes, the Wheel reveals anagram
of anagram. Examined clockwise with same spiritual eyes,
it reveals but an anagram. Whichever way you look at it,
it is verily conundrum profundum. Let those with
eyes, see.
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Copyright © 2000 James
W. Revak. All rights reserved. Version 1.0 (4/12/00).
