Tarot Foolery
By James W. Revak


Stars ready for the stage are (left to right): Eliphas Lévi, S.L. Macgregor Mathers, Aleister Crowley, Papus, and A. E. Waite.  Portraits by Bill Kaver, an artist who frequently channels Warhol.


Some people lie awake wondering if humankind will reverse global warming before the polar icecaps melt.  Others wonder if it’s time to invest in pork bellies.  Still others wonder how to get even with the neighbor who is playing his/her stereo full blast at three in the morning.  Me, I’m much more down-to-earth.  I lie awake wondering how cool it would be if I could conjure to visible appearance renowned Tarotists of yesteryear, Lévi, Papus, Mathers, Waite, and Crowley, as a rock band.  The wheels begin to turn.

The band needs a name.  Here are a few possibilities.

The Five Hierophants.  Complete with their backup singers, the buxom and vivacious Accolytes.
The Isis Brothers.  Their debut album will be Virgo Isis Mighty Mother.
Mighty Sons of the Morning.  Their first album will be The Emperor’s New Clothes.
Deacon Lévi and the Dawnie Boys.  On the other hand, M. Papus might feel left out.
The Kether Quintet.  Their debut single would be Cabala for Goyim, which is bound to go platinum. 
Sons of Hadit.  A bone for Crowley.
The New Aeon.  Another bone for The Beast.
Osoronophris.  Kind of rolls off the tongue, no?
Tree of Death.  On the other hand, some think this is a tad too gloomy.
Osiris’ Penis.  Appeals powerfully to sexually frustrated adolescent males and myth lovers.
Baphomet.  Costumes by M. Lévi, naturally.
Dweller on the Threshold.  No, not the family dog asking to go out.
Ourobos.  Includes the magic(k)al Ourobos belt as a potentially lucrative fashion accessory tie-in.
Baptized Pea Soup.  Mr. Mathers would surely enjoy this one.
The Not-So-Secret Chiefs.  On second thought, not a good idea; the real Secret Chiefs might take offense.  Then who will write the band’s hits?

Speaking of hits, here are only a few possibilities.

Seventy-Eight Degrees of Insanity.  Poking fun at Rachel Pollack.
The Circle, Book, and Triangle.  When played backwards the chorus goes like this: “Sell you soul; buy Harry Potter. . . .” etc.
Tarotist Name Game.  “Waite, Waite, Bo, Baite, Bananafana, Fo, Faite. . . .” etc.  Will appeal to lovers of humor and gematria!
Enochian Name Game.  Another light-hearted novelty number.
The Bornless One.  More like performance art.
New Age Sage.  A charming ballad dedicated to Mary Greer.
Climb Every Mountain, Cross Every Abyss.  A tribute to Oscar and Hammerstein and Cabalistic mysticism.  What a combo!
That Old Black Magic.  With new lyrics by Mr. Waite adapted from one of his most cherished books.
Cabala Blues.  “I’m tired of scryin’, tired of tryin’. . . .” etc.
Nocturne for the Nights Templar.  A haunting elegy by M. Papus.
The Devil Made Me Do It.  Ok, ok, The Horned One Made Me Do It.
Magic With Tears.  By Mr. Crowley, naturally.
Piercing the Veil.  Will appeal to sexually frustrated adolescent males and seekers of the Secret Doctrine.
Death Rarely Means Death.  A tongue-in-cheek exploration of Arcanum XIII.
Patriarchypeace.  The boys have a good laugh at the expense of Vicky Noble and Karen Vogle.
I Never Promised You a Tarot Garden.  Homage to Nicki de Saint-Phalle.
Like a Fat Bat Out of Hell.  A stirring Tribute to rock ’n’ roll legend, Meatloaf.
Rider Waiter Alligator.  Whoever said Mr. Waite didn’t have a sense of humor?
Pentacles from Heaven.  Flip-side: Pentacles from Hell.
The Babbling Barber of Paris.  Poking fun at Etteilla.
Lord of Blended Drugs.  Homage to Jim Morrison by Mr. Crowley, of course.  To be recorded with backup singers named the Four Cups.  Flip-side: The Lizard King Can Ingest Anything.
DDD Must Die!  DDD as in Decker, Depaulis, & Dummet.  Pins and wax dolls of these jerks will be sold separately.
The Ol’ Celtic Cross.  A traditional spiritual with a new twist.
Book Tea.  An upbeat number by Mr. Mathers.
Golden Sunset.  Elegy for Fraulein Sprengel whoever and wherever she is (assuming she ever was).
Even Magi Get the Blues.  “I woke up one mornin’ with the Devil on my chest, I said I woke up one mornin’. . . .” etc.
Kether High, Qliphoth Deep.  Homage to Ronnie Specter and Tina Turner, with backup singers called the Shells.
Onward Magic(k) Soldiers!  Hey, why should Christians do all the marching?
She Flunked Tarot Kindergarten.  A tongue-in-cheek tribute to Eden Gray.
Elemental Indignity.  An entertaining salute to Agrippa by Mr. Mathers.
Lingham and Yoni on Blueberry Hill.  A powerful homage to Fats Domino and Hindu mysticism.  A double-barrelled hit!
Evoking After Midnight.  Remembering Patsy Cline and her tragic failure to use effective flying ointment.
I Could Have Trumped All Night.  Homage to Lerner and Loewe.
Hymn to Appolonius.  M. Lévi evokes the Master.
How Do You Do, Madame Voo Doo?  Tribute to Marie Leveau.
Liar, Liar, Swords Ain’t Fire!  The guys spoof Gerald Gardner and his rock band, Old Dorothy.
Yod-Hé-Vau-Hé Hooray!  An exuberant Cabalistic rhythm and blues number, which is bound to be a major dance club hit.
Eat What Thou Wilt.  A touching Thelemic balad dedicated to the memory of Mamma Cass and Divine, who were purportedly high-ranking initiates of the A.A. (no, not Alcaholics Anonymous!).
The King Tut Strut.  Who says Egyptomania is out of fashion?
The Follies of Madame Horas.  A new rock musical with special guest star Meatloaf as Madame Horas.  This extraordinary show will surely smash all Broadway records!

I almost forgot!  We need cool sets and costumes for major tours.  Think I should evoke Pixie Smith to visible appearance?  Ok, ok, Pixie and Lady Frieda Harris?

Copyright © 2000 James W. Revak.  All rights reserved.  Version 1.0 (12/5/00).